Stacy Rothenberger, you are an enthusiastic supporter of talking openly about getting more pleasure out of the sexual experience – getting more pleasure in bed. And this would apply for both men and women. Your website is morepleasureinbed.com “I am so excited to be able to talk about this great subject. As you said, so many people do want to talk about sex, but it’s something that we want to regulate, like politics and religion. But what I want to do is help both men and women learn how to feel really comfortable about it and to actually enjoy it.”
Stick with us here on Straight Talk Radio as we explore the subject of SEX!
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Now, here’s your host, Chuck Gallagher.
CHUCK: Hi, this is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio and [chuckles] well, I have to say I’m really excited about this show. To be honest, doing radio is so much fun, but this is going to be one of those shows that I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of people are going to listen to and probably listen to again and maybe again in a couple of the podcasts, because we’re going to talk about sex.
Now, you might sit back and think “Okay, wait a minute, this is a radio show. Is it okay for the kids to hear?” Yeah, it’ll be all right. It’s a PG version, but it really deals with issues that are significant in every human being’s life. It’s kind of funny. Now, I’m a baby boomer. I’m 57, been around the block just a little bit, you know, and it’s kind of funny to think about the things that take place in life and I want to start off with a little personal story.
Back, almost 10 years ago, in fact 10 years ago this May, I was, well, I had been diagnosed with prostate cancer so I went to Johns Hopkins, had surgery. Of course one of the issues from surgery, from prostate cancer, is the potential for loss of sexual function. I remember sitting there talking with the doctor, couldn’t have asked for a better experience, I have to tell you that the folks at Hopkins were great. Couldn’t have asked for a better experience, but he and I got into a conversation and it was really interesting because he was very clear about what to expect, and what the healing process would be like, and, sexually, how my life would change. Not that it went away, but it was going to change.
I have to tell you, it was kind of funny, I typically talk about business ethics and so forth, and I was writing blogs, and I did that on a regular basis, and one day I was just so tired of writing the blogs about the same thing that I’ve written about that I decided, about 14 months afterward, that I was going to write a blog and it was called “Sex Following Prostate Cancer: What You Can Expect”. I have to tell you that is the number one blog that I have ever written. Today, although it was written almost 10 years ago, I get more hits on that blog, on a daily basis, than I have on any other blog, anytime, anywhere, about anything because it’s a topic that people want to be able to talk about.
Now, this show is not about prostate cancer and it’s not about sex following prostate cancer, but it is about getting out of your head so you can enjoy more pleasure in bed. I’m sitting back and I’m thinking to myself, if you’re going to do this, Gosh, let’s find an expert. So my guest today is Stacy Rothenberger. Stacy has, okay, now you’re going to have to get this, the coolest website. The website is morepleasureinbed.com. And, Stacy, you are an enthusiastic supporter of talking openly about getting more pleasure out of the sexual experience. And this would apply for both men and women. So, thanks and welcome to the show.
STACY: Thank you. I am so excited to be able to talk about this. This is a great subject. As you said, so many people do want to talk about sex, but it’s something that we regulate to, like politics and religion, that it’s somehow a personal subject. But what I want to do is help both men and women learn how to feel really comfortable about it and to actually enjoy it.
CHUCK: Well, you know, [chuckles] I think that’s– First I’m going to say “to actually enjoy it”. I would say most men presume that we actually enjoy it–
CHUCK: And probably think about it a bit, in fact, but let’s talk a little bit about that whole concept of enjoyment for a minute, because most of the time, if you’re going to stereotype people, men are pigs, we think about sex all the time, 20 times a day and we tend to find satisfaction through the orgasm, and many women don’t find sexual satisfaction, and it creates a real challenge between the sexes in terms of, but how do you find that more pleasure place?
STACY: And that’s a great question, Chuck. I think what makes me the expert is I have been friends with guys my entire life. Guys have always had a very comfortable relationship with me where they can talk about things. I just have been taking notes. I’m always trying to understand them and appreciate them. I think I do understand men a lot better than most women do. So that’s why I’m trying to champion the men’s inside, is to help more women understand men and understand sex.
If you would, I would love to talk about that concept about most, a lot of women being, that statement, “All men are pigs.” They think that because all you want is sex so we regulate you to these pigs. Let me just tell you what I learned about that. I talked to a lot of guys about it and I actually talked to my man about it. He said to me, he goes, “Stacy”, he goes, “let’s think about this.” He said, “Men want to be with women. We want to just enjoy you. We want to lay naked with you, we want to enjoy your bodies, we want to smell you, we want to taste you. We would be happy if you would just lay naked with us all day long.”[Chuck chuckles]
STACY: He said, “But think about women.” He said, “Think about women,” he said, “You want us to take you out for dinner every week, you want flowers, you want chocolates. Pretty soon you want that big diamond on your ring, on your finger, and then, of course, that means the big wedding, and the reception, and the honeymoon, and the house, and the furniture, and the dogs, and the cats, and the picket fence, and the children, and private school. And the list goes on.” He said, “You don’t really want us. You want what we can provide for you.”
And, Chuck, I really let that sink in. I thought about it and he was right. So many of us women get caught up in this Disney fantasy of what a relationship’s supposed to be. We think this knight in shining armor’s going to come and whisk us off, and rescue us, and just meet all of our emotional needs for the rest of our lives. So what happens is so many women use sex in the initial part of a relationship as, and I believe they use it for a couple of different reasons. A lot of women use it to gain a man’s attention, and to keep him, and prevent him from being with someone else, and then hopefully to get that ring on that finger, and then to have the children, but we don’t really understand what sex means to a man.
I’ve taken a lot of time and research to get that. Now as a woman in my late forties, I feel like I’m understanding that masculine need for sex, it’s that sex can be the best cure for depression out there ever. As someone, well, I said I would keep this to PG, but, well, you said orgasm, so I’m going to say it, too. It’s really hard to be depressed when you’re having an orgasm. Also just that feeling of something to look forward to. So many times men will come home and have a bad day and really the best gift can be sex. But women, we don’t understand that.
What my whole premise of my book was is that so many of us have so much stuff going on in our heads, and so it really does prevent us from enjoying a great relationship. Okay, let’s even talk from the man’s perspective. Say, you know, you come home, you’re exited to see your wife, you’ve been thinking about her all day long and the first thing she says is, “Let me tell you about what little Johnny did,” and then it just goes into this full-fledged thing and, you’re both… And then it turns into a fight, and then when later on when it’s time to play, there’s so much going on in people’s head, it’s really hard to let go. Most men can let go of that. For most women, we just got stuff bouncing around in our heads.
CHUCK: It’s interesting that you say that because there was a book years and years ago, long, long time ago, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, a John Gray book. I know a lot of people who have said, “Oh, it’s so simple and it’s so trivial,” and so forth, but there is an element of understanding, because sure enough, if little Johnny has had a bad day and it’s been a challenge, and you come home and you want to be able to share, ”This is what your kid did” [chuckles] because you haven’t had, you Stacy, or you the female in this case, may not have had the outlet to be able to express that. Guy, on the other hand, has had interaction with people all day long out in the workplace and so to come home is a time to rest.
CHUCK: But the differences in that outlet certainly can create some real challenges. I know that you have written a book. Tell me about the book. We’ve got just a minute before we go back to our break.
STACY: Okay. I’ve written a book called How to Get Out of Your Head So You Can Enjoy More Pleasure in Bed. The first 16 chapters talk a lot about just getting to know yourself. My theory is you really need to be emotionally healthy before you even start a relationship with somebody else. Otherwise you come in very needy and that’s not a very good place to start. So it talks a lot about getting to know yourself, good communication, conflict resolution, but then the last chapters are really juicy. We’re talking about how to sex, how to talk dirty, how to have house sex and different positions. The whole premise is to help women, especially, get more comfortable about it. I have a chapter called “How to Be Your Man’s Porn Star”. You know, fun things that help women get out of that mindset that you can’t do that. That’s naughty, you know? So much of my research is just, guys would love their wives to kind of be naughty in the bedroom with them, but they are so afraid to ask their wives because they’re afraid of their reaction.
CHUCK: Well, my guest has a website morepleasureinbed.com. Stacy Rothenberger is an expert when it comes to sex and marital relationships. So, stick with me. This is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio and we’ll be back right after the break to talk more sex talk.[Commercial break]
CHUCK: And this is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. We are back talking about sex. We’re talking with Stacy Rothenberger. She is an expert when it comes to sex and the relationship between men and women. wWe we’re talking a little bit about your new website, morepleasureinbed.com, which is a really cool place to go. I think you offer some opportunities perhaps to carry on a short coaching conversation and see perhaps how you can get out of your head. You in fact mentioned something about people having all of this stuff going on in their head. Tell me more about what that means.
STACY: Well, I’d like to give an example. So many times that from our childhood we have wounds from the past that just kind of keep adding more scabs and stuff, and one of the worst ones is insecurity. A lot of men and women struggle with that. But insecurity can then lead to jealousy. I’ll just give an, and this is what I’m talking about when we’re in our head. I love to give this as an example. Say, one day the woman’s thing, “I need you to spend some quality time with me. So, I need you to go shopping with me, like today,” and it’s a Sunday and it’s a big game and then the guy’s going, “Urrgh, it’s a big game, but I love you, honey. I’ll show you, I’ll prove to you how much I love you.” So he’s going to go.
They go to the mall, everything’s fine and he picks her out a beautiful outfit, he’s going to pay for it, she’s just kind of waiting in the background and all of a sudden she hears this giggling. She looks over there and she sees him talking to the sales clerk. Of course the sales clerk’s got this gorgeous body and what happens immediately, her mind starts painting this crazy picture. She’s already got them undressed and sleeping together and she come out– A lot of that comes from her own insecurity. She just assumes that he doesn’t want to be with her and wants to be with somebody else, so her brain’s just going crazy, her mind’s going.
So, he pays and they go out to walk out the door and he goes to grab her hand and she flicks it off, like, “How dare you touch me?!” and he looks at her, and like every man out there, and goes, “What did I do?” His mind starts spinning, “Oh, my God, what did I say? What did I do?” and she’s like, “Are you kidding me?! You don’t know what you did?!” Of course, that’s one of those nasty little tricks us women do, just thinking that you guys can read our minds. She’s like “What? I can’t believe you don’t know what you just did!” and he’s like, “No. Please tell me.” She goes, “Well, you were laughing at that girl,” and he’s like, “Well, yeah. She said something funny,” and she’s, “But I know you want to be with her and blah blah blah blah.” You know how us women get.
She gets all angry and he’s sitting there just baffled going, “Are you kidding me?! I just gave up a Sunday game. I’m spending time with you, I’m holding your hand, I bought you stuff and in your head you’ve got me sleeping with her?” So of course they go home. She’s either going to be in silence or stomping around. My whole thing is, once you get home, you’re not going to be in the mood to have any fun in bed that night because she’s in her head.
One of the best things that my man said to me early on when we started dating, he said, “Stacy, when you can give me the best gift possible, why would I want to waste any time fussing with you?” And I was like, “Wow! That is brilliant,” and I know in my first marriage so much of our relationship was based on fussing about it, “Lalalalalala.”
That’s why so much of the first 16 chapters of my book are to help you understand what’s going on behind that. But if you can really figure out what’s going on in your head that’s causing you to have those reactions, and you can start getting more in control of it and getting healthy– I tell people, “Unless you’re secure with yourself, you really shouldn’t be dating. You shouldn’t be in a relationship, because you are just going to make yourself a mess and make that other person a mess.”
CHUCK: It’s interesting that you say that because two things have come to me, while you were sitting there talking. One thing is, Stacy, if you go with the last thing you said, “Unless you’re healthy you shouldn’t be in a relationship or shouldn’t be dating,” honey, that’s going to be a lot of society that’s going to be really, they need to go to a monastery, because–
STACY: Listen to me–
CHUCK: Most people don’t have that healthy place.
STACY: Chuck, thank you. That is one of my big tenets, is that so many, think about it, so many people start dating in high school and nobody really sits them down and explains to them how to begin a relationship, how to maintain a relationship or, this is an important one, how to end a relationship. I think that’s just as important as to know how to begin. It’s easy to begin a relationship. You know, two people who think they’re cute and oh, and that’s easy. Maintaining it is a lot harder and then to know how to end it. So, my children range from 7 to 18 and I’m already giving them lots of information about how to play the game before they play the game. You know what I mean? They need to know the rules. I’m really emphatic about that, is we need to teach people what it means to be in a relationship before they get into one, if that makes sense.
CHUCK: It does make sense and, like you, I am divorced and remarried, and there was a lot of education that took place in that process.
CHUCK: I’m very fortunate. I’ll be the first to admit this, happily on the radio, and as well on YouTube, because this is being videoed as well, but I’m very fortunate that my wife and I are both healthy enough that we can appreciate each other and be comfortable with each other and yet recognize, and she’s the best at this. If a very attractive lady walks by and I happen to miss her, she’ll point her out![Stacy laughs]
CHUCK: Because, you know, it’s– I know this is going to sound terrible and some people on the radio will probably send me emails like hate mails for saying this, but if you see something that’s beautiful, no matter what it may be, I mean, if I see a gorgeous bird outside and eating at the birdfeeder in the middle of winter, I’m pointing it out, because it’s just beautiful.
STACY: Thank you.
CHUCK: So, you know. So if beauty walks by, I want to admire that without having someone feel like, oh my goodness! He’s admiring beauty. Of course I am! I’m a human being and beauty is beauty.
STACY: Chuck, the one way that I help women understand that is that men love cars and vehicles, and you guys may go to the lot and you may be looking at all those beautiful cars, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to buy them. You can go and appreciate that. And that’s what I mean, is I think women need to be so secure in themselves, exactly what you said, is that their man can appreciate some other beautiful woman.
Now, there’s a difference when the man turns around and gawks at a woman, then that’s not– That’s where the men need to know to cross– But I work out at a gym and my man works out at a different gym. I know that there’s beautiful women at his gym, he knows that there’s handsome men at my gym. I think what makes us work is that we’re secure. Bottom line, you need to be secure enough to know that you’re going home, or you’re the one being with that person. I give your wife kudos to be secure enough herself that says, “Chuck’s with me and he’s got the relationship with me,” because women, we sabotage the relationship.
I’ll tell you one thing that I’ve learned about men, is one thing men really hate is when men give us a compliment and say, “We love you,” or “You’re beautiful,” and we say, “Oh, no, we’re not. I’m ten pounds too fat.” That breaks a man’s heart and it totally emasculates him. So that’s another thing. Women need to stand in their confidence and say, “Thank you,” to take a compliment, because that is really a horrible thing to do to a man.
CHUCK: Now, I want to go down an odd little road here and you kind of raised it a minute ago, but in this segment you said you were teaching your teenagers the rules of the game, the rules of engagement, so to speak.
CHUCK: In terms of creating a relationship. So, let me do this, tell me four or five things that you would suggest that people talk to their teenagers about or pre-teens, twins maybe, but what would you have? What were the things you talked to your kids about?
STACY: Well, I have three sons and I’m really trying to prepare them to be a good mate and so every opportunity I can, I’m always trying to give them examples. I mean, the other day we went to a doctor’s appointment. My 12-year-old son, there was one chair left and he almost went to sit down in it and he said, “Oh, I’m sorry, Mom. You take it,” and everybody in the office just was like, “Wow!” and that’s something that I’ve taught my boys. Do you know what I mean?
STACY: That’s what I want to teach them how to treat a woman, because I think that’s so important. But I also want my boys and I want my children to be comfortable talking about sex. I have to admit to you, I grew up, we didn’t ever talk about sex. All I knew about sex is you don’t do it until you’re married. Even to this day, we don’t talk about it. I’ll tell how that came to me.
It was one time after an amazing, wonderful experience with my man, after we were finished, I thought, I want every single one of my children to experience this. Why would I not? I’ve had horrible sex. I know what it feels like to lay next to a man and feel empty, and lonely, and sad, and depressed. I would never want that for my children. But I’m also very, and some people would disagree with me that this is too graphic, but the other day I told my 18-year old, I said, “If you ever are just a “five-minute wham-bam, thank you, ma’am” kind of man, I will hunt you down and I will get to you–[Chuck laughs]
STACY: Because no woman is going to come up to me and say, “Your son is a wham-bam, thank you, ma’am.” I want to teach him and my whole theory is so many boys learn about sex at 14 years old in the locker room. Nobody teaches them. It takes so many years. And there’s so many men that are so insecure about sex because nobody teaches them. Men, I will admit, us women, we are crazy. We are hard to please, so I give you credit. My whole thing is I want to help men try to understand women, but I also want to help women understand men. That’s where I will do whatever I can to help thousands of people learn what I’ve learned.
CHUCK: Well, one of the things that I think is really critical, and I appreciate you taking the time to be on the show, because when you’re talking about more pleasure in bed, when you have a function in life that is a natural, normal, human function, that can be either incredible or devastating–
CHUCK: To be able to understand how to create incredible and to know that every person has that potential, is very significant. My name is Chuck Gallagher. This is Straight Talk Radio. Stacy Rothenberger is my guest. She has a really cool website called morepleasureinbed.com. I’d encourage you to go to the website. We’ve been talking about sex and how this takes place. I think when we get back from the break, one of the things that we need to do is talk a little bit about breaking some of the stereotypes and some of the myths that exist and being a bit more open to possibilities. So, stick with me. This is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. We’ll be back in just a moment.[Commercial break]
CHUCK: This is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. Stacy Rothenberger is my guest. She is an expert when it comes to sex, when it comes to that conversation that takes place between men and women and how that conversation can really open doors to something that can be pretty incredible.
I started off the call or the show, by saying years ago I had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I remember in the conversation with the doctor following, he said, “Okay, look”, he said, “We’ve gone in, we’ve done surgery and it’s major surgery so there is a possibility that it will affect your erectile function for a while.” He said, “You need to be aware of it. You need to prepare for that mentally. You need to be open in talking with your wife about it.” We talked a little bit and he said, “Now, let me ask you a question.” I said “All right.” He said, “If you had knee surgery, let’s say knee replacement for example,” he said “what would happen following surgery?” I sat there, I guess I looked stumped, and he kind of looked at me and he said, “Well, you go to rehab.” “Yeah, okay. I’d go to rehab.” He said “Okay.” He said, “So, in a sense, your nerves have been disrupted with surgery.” He said, “Those are the pathways through which you’ll get an erection,” and he said, “You need to go to rehab.” He said, “But there is no official rehab for that.” And he said, “It’s not reasonable to assume that your wife is your nurse or your rehab agent.” He said, “Certainly, you want to have an intimate relationship with your wife,” but he said, “Son, let me put it to you bluntly. You might need to take matters into your own hands.”
CHUCK: He said, “It’s quite possible that you need to retrain yourself what to expect, and what to look forward to, and how to heal.” It was really fascinating, Stacy, because my wife and I are very open and we had a very clear conversation. She understood that if I participated in masturbation, that was not anything negative toward her or toward the intimacy in our relationship. It was just pure rehab. It was a necessary process to get us both back to a place where we could have a normal, natural, intimate relationship. I think the thing that I am thrilled with her about is the willingness to be able to carry on that conversation and to be secure enough to understand that it wasn’t something that should cause her consternation or concern.
STACY: Right. And I, once again, I applaud your wife. That’s awesome. I think so many people feel so uncomfortable talking about sex, which makes me so sad. I mean, here you have two people that should be the closest and the most intimate and there again, that’s why I want my children to learn how to be comfortable with their own sexuality at a very young age so that once they do enter those relationships– But that is, and I think that’s where I’m hoping to help more couples, is to get more comfortable talking about this, there’s so much that men wish they could tell their wives and just feel scared. They’re so afraid of what their woman’s reaction will be. I have to admit, I was one of those women. I had all these mindsets about what sex was. I mean, I really thought, I mean, I didn’t understand it. I think I finally understand men. I mean, women, the whole idea, we think you’re pigs is because you think about sex all the time. You do. It’s just the way you’re wired. It doesn’t make you bad. Even if you masturbate. So many women think, well that’s a bad thing because you aren’t with me, or whatever. When we can change those negative mindsets and just allow you guys to be men and to be who you are and to appreciate that, it can just be such an amazing thing.
I think that’s the wonderful thing about my man and I, we just talk about sex all the time, just like it’s weather it’s like– It just comes very natural. Every single day we talk about it. We talk about how wonderful it is. That leads into the whole idea of sexting and being able to role play and to share fantasies with each other. If you can’t even talk about sex just on a kind of simple level, you’re never going to get to that point. What’s amazing is that your relationship, your intimacy can actually grow stronger once you kind of breake through that uncomfortable zone of talking about it.
CHUCK: Now, Stacy, I’ve got to ask you this question.
CHUCK: So, you said in the process of this show that you were in your forties.
CHUCK: And I know that the relationship you’re in now is not your first relationship. It’s not your first marriage of course, but tell me a little bit, from your perspective, because I’m the guy and I’m asking you, how has the desire for sex changed with you with age?
STACY: Well, it’s interesting, because when I was married in my early forties, my husband was very upset with me because he kept saying, “I heard women are supposed to hit their peak in their forties. What’s wrong with you?” and he actually suggested that I go see a sexual therapist, which at the time was kind of, and to me it’s kind of ironic and funny, because I’m actually the one– I love sex.
CHUCK: Okay, now wait. You know that there are men—[Stacy laughs]
STACY: Well, I want to help more women, because, see, this is the whole secret. I want to let women know, is that I’ll admit I was one of those in my marriage, that I got to the point where it was my duty, it was my, uh, I have to do this once a month. I hated it. I actually prayed that it would hurry up and get over. Now I’m the type I’ll pray that it’ll never stop. I mean, we go for hours and hours and hours. The thing is, I’m not doing it anymore because I’m trying to please him or I’m trying to get him to pick me. I’m doing it because I like it, you know? And I want women to get to that point, because I’ll tell you what, 10 years ago somebody like me, I probably would have hated myself because I would have thought that some woman is coming and telling me I have to do one more thing for my man.
I’m telling you what, it’s not about me doing one more thing for my man. Men need to hear this too. The reason I desire this man so much is that he also speaks my language. He’s very emotional. He gets that. He gets the hugging, the kissing, the sweetness, and that’s what it is, is when women can totally embrace the sexual side of a man and do it because they want to, and a man can totally embrace that kind of emotional side and do it because he enjoys it, not because he has to. When those two things mesh, it’s like, it is amazing. So, yes, I mean, in [30:26], during my thirties, I’ve had six children, believe it or not, so my thirties were all about having children, and nursing, and being up all night with children.
I think, I mean, I just saw on AOL the other day Florence Henderson is like 80 years old and admitting that she’s like a sexual, like the bomb. I just thought, that’s what I want to be. I want to be at 80 years old just as sexual as I am now. There’s no reason, because as my man and I talk about it, when you enjoy an amazing sexual relationship, it does keep you healthy. I mean, it makes you feel good mentally, physically. There’s so many, we know, the research proves, there’s so many endorphins. It produces oxytocin, you know, so many wonderful things. I’ll just give an example on my own. This past year has been a really difficult year of my life. I won’t even include all the stressors, but I can call my man and say, “I’ve had a horrible day. Can I come over?” and I’m telling you, I finally get what I get that sex can be such a great stress reliever. I didn’t get that. I didn’t get that before. Now I understand it.
CHUCK: Now, but let me say this, Stacy.
CHUCK: I’m saying this for the benefit of folks that are listening, because and I’m going to tell you what I’m hearing. What I hear is, in your first marriage, he didn’t connect emotionally to you. The two of you didn’t have that connection that fed you or fed him. He wanted sex, you were obligated, you were the wife, that’s the way it was. You weren’t that person you are today.
But when you met the right person, and the chemistry was there, he met your emotional needs, you met his needs, therefore the physical work. Now, saying that, if I’m wrong correct me, but saying that, someone listening to the show would say, “Well, you know, okay. Cool. But I don’t have that emotional guy. I mean, he comes in, he’s finished working out in the work that he does. He comes in sweaty, stinky. He is dog-tired. He goes up. He might take a shower or he sits down in the recliner, pops a beer, and frankly, could care less about what’s taking place. He just really wants to know what’s on for dinner. How in the world can I feel sexy when that’s what I’ve got?”
STACY: Well, and that’s a very good question. I really truly, I think it takes two people that really understand. I mean, this isn’t– Like my man says, I mean, when he realizes he gets this gift, of course he says, “Why wouldn’t…” Think about when you’re dating. I mean, you’re dating, women get all fussed up and get beautiful and take a shower and everything. To me it’s like you owe that person that. Now, I’m going to be really honest with you. I was raised in the mentality that divorce was the ultimate sin and once you make a commitment, you’re in it for life. I don’t agree with that. I think what happens is a lot of times people get in relationships and it’s not good. I’m all about trying and working on it, don’t get me wrong, but one of my chapters is talking about how to know when to end it. Truly, that is a huge factor. You said it. Chemistry is the big deal, but so many people are together. I could work with them forever and I’m not going to change that chemistry, I’m not going to change them as people. So, there’s a fine line of do two people want to change, do they want to work on it, or are they really just not a good fit and they’re just staying together for all the wrong reasons?
CHUCK: That’s interesting that you say that. In your website, morepleasureinbed.com, one of the things you have is schedule a complimentary strategy called “To see if you can benefit from coaching”, and I think it’s critically important for people to understand to be able to talk to somebody and evaluate and sometimes you get the answer you don’t want to hear, but get the answer of is it really possible? And what do I need to look at differently? Because perhaps, if I can look at that other person and know what that person’s need happens to be, and they can look at mine, and we can better understand each other, there’s enough love to be able to make the needs happen. It just simply becomes a challenge of sometimes understanding what those are.
STACY: Exactly. Like I said, that’s that fine line. I mean, I think sometimes there’s just so much– Some people really should be together. It’s just they’ve been hurt and wounded and they don’t know how to heal that hurt. But there’s some people that truly– I’m going to admit, I was one of those that just fell in love with the idea of being in love. Okay? And the man I married was a very nice man. He was good to me in a lot of ways. No, I’m not here to bash him, but truly in my heart of hearts, I was in love with, I was 25, I was getting my master’s degree, everybody was getting married and I wanted to be married.
STACY: I mean, my whole life I wanted to be married and have children. There was this cute blonde. I always wanted to have blonde children, had a nice family, went to church, my family liked him,and it just seemed like this was it. And we really, truly didn’t know each other– A couple of months, I went away to grad school in a different state, and we really did struggle from the very beginning. Just, two different personalities. It got to the point, Chuck, where not only could I not be who I am, but I started becoming somebody I didn’t like to be. And that’s not who I’m meant to be. I was started to really get nasty with my children and I’m like, “I’m a very loving person. There’s no person I can meet that isn’t my friend.” So, that became a real threat to my husband, because of that insecurity, you know?
CHUCK: Right. And insecurity is a challenge. This is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. When we come back we’ll talk a little bit about those insecurities and some other things that’ll be fun. Stacy Rothenberger is my guest. morepleasureinbed.com is her website. And we’ll be back in just a moment.[Commercial break]
CHUCK: This is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. One of the things on Straight Talk Radio we do is we try to take some really interesting subjects and be straight about it. I have to assume, Stacy, that, and I’ve experienced this on a personal level, that there are periods of time in our life when, not that sex is not important or not valuable, but the role itself changes. I know that I’m [chuckles] as we’re actually is recording this radio show, I am recovering from a surgery from a herniated disc. It’s been an interesting experience to see how the experience of physical pain in a person’s life can change their mindset and their desire.
CHUCK: Now, it’s not that sex isn’t important, but when you’re in pain, it is not a high priority in life. It was kind of funny, because my wife was talking to me the other day and she made a comment and it was a overture toward sex and I looked at her and I said, “You know, we might need to think about this in another day or so.”[Stacy laughs]
CHUCK: Then I looked at her and grinned and said, “I can’t freaking believe that came out of my mouth!”[Stacy laughs]
CHUCK: But there was nothing I could do, because it was just not a comfortable time. I say that to say, when people are listening to this show, there’s a lot of issues. There’s the issue of are you healthy? Physically healthy. Are you emotionally healthy?
CHUCK: Are you able emotionally to be able to talk about it?
CHUCK: And if you are, can you, with your partner, put together that conversation that really opens the door to you becoming a sexual superstar? Now, you’ve got a questionnaire. I need to turn that over to you. Take that and run with that, because I love the questionnaire.
STACY: Okay. Well, I have designed this questionnaire, there’s ten questions and it’s a lot of fun. Truly, I want people to relax. I know there’s so many people uptight about this whole subject. I want to, I’m going to invite you to send me an email at email@example.com and if you do that, I will send you a PDF of this questionnaire. It’s a lot of fun. If you do that, I’m going to offer you a complementary life-coaching strategy call where we can talk. You can give me some information and we can talk and see if some private coaching would be beneficial for you. I always suggest that two people, partners, do it together, but I would suggest you do that. So, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and just put “Questionnaire” on the topic line and I’ll get that to you just as soon as possible. I think you might chuckle along the way.
CHUCK: Oh, yeah. The questions are great. The questions absolutely are great. And it’s interesting, because as I look through the questions, one of them you talk a little bit about, and you mentioned this earlier, is talking with children about sex. I think it’s fascinating because my wife and I were talking about her mother and some of the, I’m not even sure, the restrictive attitudes that existed toward sex.
CHUCK: As her mother is aging, now close to 85, she’s finding out some of the closet skeletons—[Stacy laughs]
CHUCK: That kind of created this idea of oh, you need to be–
STACY: This way.
CHUCK: Protected. Yeah![Stacy laughs]
CHUCK: It was like, wow! Finally it is coming out and it helps my wife understand her upbringing and her programing. I think a lot of it is how we’re programed. I applaud you for being willing to program your sons to help them have a healthier attitude toward relationships and sex.
STACY: Um-hm. Well, and thank you. Truly to me, I mean, I need people to know that it’s just not sex. It’s the whole relationship. It’s the whole–
STACY: You know. Well, they’re so cute. My 12-year-old thinks that sex is a penis and a vagina coming together. I mean, he just, and he’s at that point where he thinks it’s really gross. Well, I remember thinking sex was pretty gross until I was about 16 [laughs] years old too, you know? But then I try to explain it to him. “Honey, it’s more than that. It’s about two people feeling so intimate and be able to share a part of themselves they don’t share it with anybody else.” I just can’t stress that enough, is the more comfortable you become with each other and the more you can just be honest and share. It really does. And you understand.
This is the one thing my man has said to me. He said, “Thank you so much for not ever making me feel like a pervert.” I think so many of us women, we make you feel like perverts. There’s so much guilt and shame. I think us women, we just, we don’t understand you. We don’t understand the physical, actual physical, sexual urges that are going through your body all day long. We get so threatened by that and we don’t have to, when we can– We need to be thrilled.
Like one man told me an example of his day and how every time he saw a woman, literally the hardware was starting to get excited and stuff, but he says that and at the end of the day he ravages his woman. So many of us women, we just don’t understand that, and once we do– I’ll tell you what. My man just told me the other day, he’s like, “I’m walking around with this silly grin on my face all the time,” and truly, that is the highest compliment that a man could ever give me because I’m thrilled, you know? What’s so cool about it is, is that women, we really want a man thinking about us all the time. We want him to just be enamored with usand yet we mess it up because we demand it. We think that you need to be thinking about us all the time. We forget that you have jobs, you have hobbies. I think truly one of the reasons my man and I really are so healthy is that we both understand we both have two separate lives and then we come together.
I remember reading that, even married couples kind of need to even have some little secrets, kind of some alone time. I think that’s really healthy when couples can be emotionally healthy enough to let their spouse or partner have a little free time, you know? That’s good stuff.
CHUCK: Yeah, it is. And of course both of us happen to be involved with the business of speaking and doing presentations. My guest is Stacy Rothenberger. I would say, while you have morepleasureinbed.com is the website, you are active in talking with organizations about this open discussion that needs to take place to create a healthy life. I really think it’s important for people to, who have been listening to this show, to realize, this isn’t about sex for mental or auditory stimulation. This is about talking about how to create a healthy relationship that happens to recognize and honor the fact that as human beings, we’re sexual creatures.
CHUCK: That need will ultimately be met somehow. The question is, do we care enough about each other to be able to make that work? Stacy, we’ve got maybe a minute and a half left. One more time, give us the email address for the PDF, the questionnaire that you’ll send and the offer of your coaching, please.
STACY: Okay, well great. I’m just so thrilled that so many people listened. I’d love for you to send me an email at email@example.com and just put in the topic line “Questionnaire” and I’ll send you that PDF. I’d love to give you a complementary coaching call as well, strategy call to see if coaching could be beneficial to you.
I also have another website called Loving My Life Coaching and I talk a lot about how to face your fears, get unstuck and live the life of your choosing instead of trying to make everybody else happy and that’s really important too, is when you — You really need to understand those kind of things before you can enjoy great intimacy.
CHUCK: Well, that’s true. There’s a real good friend of mine, a guy by the name of Michael Gott, who has a song “Move in the Direction of Your Dreams”.
CHUCK: Love the song. So inspiring. But as a healthy person, if we are healthy and happy and moving in those directions, it becomes far easier to have that kind of open and intimate relationship.
Morepleasureinbed.com is the website. Stacy Rothenberger is my guest. Take advantage of the offer she has made. Stacy, frankly, to be willing to offer some time to people to find out if they’re a fit for being able to take their relationship from point A to point Z with sex in between is a great offer and I appreciate you being involved.
This is Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. We talk about all kinds of subjects. This one has been sex. We hope you enjoyed the show and will stick with us. And remember, every choice we make in life has a consequence. So, as I say to my audiences, remember, make those choices wisely and find the success you are destined to live. Chuck Gallagher with Straight Talk Radio. And we’ll be back next week.
You’ve been listening to Straight Talk with Chuck Gallagher. Tune in each week on transformationtalkradio.com, each Monday at 2 p.m. Pacific, 5 p.m. Eastern, as Chuck Gallagher, international speaker and author, cuts through the noise to share truth through transparency. Nationally-known guests talk about what’s important to you – your life, your concerns, and your success. Visit gallagher.pcgdev.com for more information and turn on to Straight Talk with Chuck Gallagher.